A Close Encounter with Jesus

What a week!  It was for sure a crazy one with many blessings and stressful moments as well.   God has been teaching me so many things since my “breakdown” last week.  (If you do not know the breakdown I am talking about, just look at the previous post…it was a rough week).  This past week, Week 3, was better, but like all things, came with challenges. 

I began the week with a more steadfast love and focus on God’s purpose of me being here. I decided I would not let the lies of my own insecurities rule my life.  Yes, my kids can be very frustrating but they are kids.  No matter where they come from, they are kids.  I decided I was going to show more grace and be more patient with them.  And when I surrendered all of this to the Lord, I felt that I could sense a difference in the way I looked and talked to my kids every day.  It was not me, of course so it would be wrong for me to try to take credit for it, but it was absolutely the Lord’s work in me.  Personally, this week I learned that in order for me to show the grace of God to others, I must really understand and accept it for myself.  I have been so broken over the past several months that I have felt as if I was not worthy enough to be loved by our awesome creator.  I know that may sound strange, especially to those of you who know me fairly well – But God has been working to show me that I am to be used by him, regardless of my own perspectives.  The quote that resonates in my heart is

            “The beauty of a sunset is GREATER through the impurities and pollution in the air it reflects off of.  In order to make something beautiful God doesn’t need something perfect, pure or clean.  From the wasted, broken, and worthless God creates beauty.  If God cares enough to do this in creation, the He cares enough to do this to me!” 

            I needed a reminder of this for myself this week, even more than my kids.  I need to know that God loves me in spite of my frailties and faults.  I need to know that I do not have to be perfect in order to be loved or to be “good enough”.  I am being very vulnerable right now, but I feel that that is the only way I can really move past and let go of my fears and insecurities – to fully confront them and bring them into God’s light of Truth.  I am also thankful for strong friends that God has given me here at Shepherd and across the country who support, encourage, and challenge me every day to be the woman God desires me to be! 

ANYWAY….On to my past week working with the kids…(sorry for that detour, but I am sure you are all interested on my heart & life as well as my ministry and kids).  As I had previously told you, one of my students was suspended week 2 for fighting.  On Monday of this week, two other boys in my class were suspended for fighting as well.  Of the 3 suspensions we have had at the BEACH location, all have been from my class…on the positive side, none of them have been while they were with me, so I hope that says something positive about me? Ha  So, Tuesday and Wednesday were a lot more relaxing days with 3 of my more challenging boys out on suspension.  Tuesday the kids were great and we had a lot of fun together.  Wednesday’s are usually more complicated days because we take the children to Jireh Sports and this week we took the girls to the pool.  Things got switched up a little, and I was able to spend Wednesday with all of the girls from our site and another elementary location: Brookside.  I love my boys and their craziness, but to be honest it was a HUGE blessing to have a day with just the girls.  Since my personal passion and heart is for the struggles of young girls, I was able to really affirm and invest in their lives for the day.  Yes, the water was QUITE cold, but we braved it, and had a great time!  From what I heard, the boys were a bit on the WILD side back at BEACH, so I was glad to have a bit of a break :) 

            Thursday, all of the kids started getting a little crazy.  This is oddly enough a little common – Thursday’s are very full days academically and the kids are getting restless from the week, and a bit too comfortable (in the sense that they start being very disrespectful and not listening to directions).  This is not true of all our students, but when just a few act out in this way, it’s like a disease…making things get out of control.  Friday was…well, Friday.  I had gotten little rest through the week, along with just being completely drained emotionally, and spiritually, Friday was desperately needed.  However, after time at the park (with a football game that got a bit out of control) and some children who did not get to go to afternoon fun activities due to disciplinary issues, the kids were literally out of control.  With only 15 minutes left, I shut the door to our classroom, and put on my motherly, ANGRY face, sat them down on the floor, telling them that we have had enough of their disrespect, and it needed to change.  I told them how disappointed I was in their behavior.  I gave them personal examples if they were to be in our shoes.  For example, I asked one of my kids “So, what if you had something really important to tell me and were trying to tell me, and all I did was go ‘NAH NAH NAH’ How would you feel?”  Their reactions were they would be angry, they would hate us, and they would want to punch us.  I expressed to them that this is how they were treating us, but that we did not react in this way – that we loved them very much and we were not going to walk out on them.  I wanted to affirm them and our love for them, but also relay to them that their complete disrespect for each other and us is not ok.  I hated having to put on my “angry” face, but it was the only thing I hadn’t tried yet. 

            After this long “lecture” most of my children left.  I had 1 boy and 1 girl left in my classroom.  I turned my back for a second, and my boy started hanging on a large 32” TV on a shelf in the classroom.  I turned, SCREAMED his name as the TV started falling, and PRAISE THE LORD, a male volunteer walked in the door and caught the TV in time.  I immediately was over-taken by emotion, walked out of our classroom into the kitchen, and simply broke down crying.  I was just so overcome with emotion and the stress of everything.  In the mean time, my child went upstairs to the director saying “Miss Jessica, I almost met Jesus!!!”  I am glad he was so optimistic…and she had no clue what he was talking about, but after it all happened, I was able to laugh about it.  I felt like a mom in the fear I experienced.  If the TV had fallen on him, He would have been killed – he is a very small child and the glass & weight of the TV would have crushed him.  Praise the Lord it didn’t. 

            Ok, I know this has been a long post, and I really have had a great week with the kids – and I love them very much.  They are a challenge, but they are each unique and wonderful.  I wish I could give them so much more and that they would really let me into their lives and hearts, but again, I know I am living by faith & not by sight that the words and work I am investing in these children is not in vein, and it will make an impact.  It will help them to see all the potential they have, and let them see the hope that is in Christ Jesus!  I pray that I can be stability and love for them.  I know that in all of the challenges, God is faithful and has been breaking and teaching me so much!  I am being confronted on a daily basis with letting go of myself – pressing on towards the hope that is in Christ!

Please be praying for my team & kids this next week.  We love them very much!   Pray for rest and patience with ourselves and our children.  I will also be traveling this next weekend for a wedding and to be home with my family for the 4^th of July.

Insecurity is just a cover up for unbelief

We just completed Week 2 of Day Camp.  The week was called “Kids Games” because we had a group from Connection Pointe Church in Brownsburg, IN that came to help lead worship, play games with the kids, and help us out with all of our kids.  We combined with another elementary site (Brookside) for Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Our kids from BEACH longed to be back at our normal location and normal routine, and I understood how difficult it was to be in a new place and doing such different things every day.  I can sense how much my kids long for routine and stability.

Tuesday we took the kids to the Indianapolis Zoo.  It was a lot of fun and the 4 children I had in my group were not from my grade level I teach at all.  They were all wonderful and it was great to get to invest in and spend some time with the kids I am not normally with.  It was a long and exhausting day, but lots of fun. They really loved getting to see the cheetahs, elephants, and petting the sharks!  (yes, I got to pet a shark!).  By the end of the day, they were all falling asleep on the bus :) I wish I could post some pictures for you to see, but we are not allowed to post any pictures of the children.  However, know that I had lots of fun and they are GREAT kids! 

One of my kids told me that he wants to be a football player and a doctor so he can help his family and take care of those hurting.  What a touching aspiration from a 10 year old!  I pray that God leads Him towards that purpose, no matter his path.

Friday We had a group come to Shepherd called Impact Band.  They are college students that travel around the nation, sharing the gospel in a unique and simple way with kids – especially in inner cities.  The music they did was perfect for the kids and their tastes.  We had several of our kids either give their heart to Christ or say they were interested in knowing more.  What a joy to have the seed planted!

Sadly, one of my boys got in a fight this week and it was difficult to see the consequences for that.  I have worked to give more follow-through in my consequences (such as sitting out for 5 minutes), but at the same time I want to offer them grace.  I am caught in a place of unknown.  Between chasing children around,  finding a “surprise” in the boys bathroom, and fights, I would say it was a FULL week.

This week was a rough one.  To be honest with everyone and myself, I spent most of my down time feeling like I am failing these kids.  How could I change and make myself better for these kids.  Things got a bit out of control at times and it was very rough.  I know I can do better.  I know that I can show more love.  I feel like I have failed them.  I feel like I am not tender.  I feel so afraid of losing control and respect that I have to stay tough and disciplined 100% of the time.  I wrestle with what this looks like and feel so discouraged and broken when I lose my tenderness and care.  Some of you who have worked in these environments with kids may know what I am talking about, or you may think I am a complete failure – I do feel like one. 

There were great stories from this week and funny things to share, but where my heart is now, I do not think it would be right for me to share those.  My kids are funny and good kids.  They deserve so much more than what they have and the opportunities that are in front of them.  They deserve so much love and tenderness, and I feel like I am failing at really giving that to them.  I am so wrapped up in keeping order I forget why I am here and my love for life. 

Our supervisor told us to fail once each week – but what if I just feel like I failed everything for the week?  What if I feel like I am completely inadequate?  I told each of you I would be transparent and honest about my feelings and where I am at. 

This next week is a new one.  My goals are to be more tender, compassionate, and gracious.  I want to affirm every single one of the kids at least once a day.  I want to pray more throughout the day.  I need to be more patient and humble.  I need to let go of control and let God do what He wills.  I need to believe stronger in God’s purpose and plans, and not let my insecurities take root in my heart – making me be something I am not. 

“I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug”

For those of you who may or may not know, I am spending my next year working in inner city Indianapolis with an organization called Shepherd Community Center.  Shepherd has been working in Indianapolis, on East Washington for many MANY years now, and this is my first time ever being here.  Shepherd is committed to working with and equipping families in second and third generation poverty, for the better.  They offer programs for every kind of situation: day camps during the summer, health clinics, paralegal advice, mothering classes, sports, food pantry, and many other services.  The hearts of the people at Shepherd Community Center are so open and compassionate.

My year will work in 2 parts.  For the summer, I am working as an Intern teaching grades 2^nd and 3^rd at a Day Camp that runs for 8 weeks.  After that has completed, I will work at Shepherd for the day and in the afternoons I will help run an after school program with the same kids I am working with this summer.   As part of our Day Camp and the many grants we have for this Shepherd Summer Project, each week we work on Reading, Writing, Math, and Science, as well as teaching the kids Bible, doing crafts, playing games, and taking trips, such as to the pool, the zoo, the park, or the Children’s Museum throughout the summer.  We also feed them 2 meals and a snack every day, since 80% of the kids in Indianapolis only get 2 meals a day if they are in school. 

My first week here was spent in training, preparing for, and understanding our kids better.  My devotionals for the first week were all about “We live by Faith & not be sight” from 2 Corinthians 5:7.  I know this will be the theme of my summer and also my calling to be here at Shepherd.  I got certified for CPR, First Aid, and driving a mini bus!   It was interesting and eye opening to learn how to manage our classrooms.  I did not anticipate the challenge of disciplining in love.  I mean, I suppose I did know that it is a challenge to do it, I guess I did not have a full awareness of what that would look like! Hah ( I am sure that all of you who are currently parents are laughing at this statement of mine…) The community of other interns that are here this summer has been a HUGE blessing to me.  Although we have only known each other a few days, I have gotten to know and joke around with a great group of people!  There are 32 of us Interns this summer, from colleges all across the United States, although, it is ironic that 10 of us Interns are from Olivet.  All the interns have so much fun together, including nightly games of SIGNS, small group Bible Studies, an Indians baseball game, and Duckpin Bowling. 

In other areas, my first week was spent in an apartment where the Air Conditioning went out, with back-to-back 90-degree days.  Although it was very ROUGH and hot, we all learned how to be very thankful for air conditioning, and it humbled us to those who have no air conditioning at all.  Thankfully, a week later we had a brand new air conditioning unit put in our apartment. 

For my second week here and my first week working with the kids at Day Camp. I was placed at a location called The BEACH, which stands for Brookeside East Alliance Community Hub, which is a church functioning as a school for the summer.  Although it is small and the sanctuary is our gymnasium, it is our home!    We will have a total of 34 kids at our site, making it the smallest of the other 3 elementary sites that Shepherd runs, but what we lack in number we make up for in “Character”. Haha We have great kids, and I love them all to death.  I just want to take some of these kids home with me & love on them!  Our kids come from some really rough backgrounds and some heart-wrenching homes – with drug dealers, different men leaving their homes every night, and only a few of our students actually have a father present.  It rips out my heart to see them so broken, so guarded, and craving attention in any way they can get it.  I would be lying to you to say that all of our kids are perfect angels all the time – let’s face it, they’re kids.  We have a handful of kids that keep us busy and on our toes all the time.  Every time I have to discipline a child one on one the first thing I say is, “What is at the bottom of our class rules sign, read it to me – “WE LOVE YOU”.  And then I affirm to them again, that I love them, they are a good kid they have just made a bad choice (or choices).  This first week was a challenge of culture shock, discipline, and flexibility.  Although, it wasn’t all just challenges, there were many more rewards and touching moments. 

My favorite parts of the week and each day would be when a child would walk up beside me, and simply hold my hand.  This happened at least 5 times this past week, and every time it touched my heart.  I also loved that any time we took the bus or van somewhere with the kids, I would have kids begging me to sit by them.  It amazed me that all each of the kids wanted was for us to spend time with them.  What I was accustomed to growing up was sitting by the teacher or grown up was NOT cool and what I see in each of these kids is the complete opposite.  I love getting to sit with the kids and just ask them about life and get to know them deeper.  Another thing this week that touched my heart came in the form of Bike Safety.  We did this the first day, where the kids not only learned about safety rules, but also were fitted and given a brand new helmet with pads and a reflector.  What a blessing to these kids!    On Wednesday, we took our kids to a place called Jireh Sports that focuses on individualized sports such as gymnastics, rock climbing, wrestling, and others to encourage self-esteem and personal achievement with inner-city kids.  Our BEACH kids loved it and I saw how important it was for them to have individualized attention.  Later that day we took the kids to the pool and it was wonderful to get to have fun being a kid with them.  I was also told by one of my girls that I had “Nappy Hair” and it made me laugh! 

Every day offers a combination of challenges and rewards, and you are completely drained: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  At the end of a rough day, there are many things that happen. First, we crank up the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and it puts us all back in a good mood with a smile on our faces!  Secondly, after processing all the things of the day, I realize more than the day before I want and need to go back to those kids the next day.  I understand God’s love for these children at The BEACH and how much I love them.  How much I need them as much as they need me. No matter what they say or do, I am never going to leave them, and I will never walk away.  I will not give up on these kids, even if the world they live in is stacked against them, trying to take away what little they have.  I want to offer them hope. 

Although there are times when I just want to break down and cry, I know that God is moving and working.  I am living by faith every day, even if I do not see results immediately, I know the promises I have been given that none of this is for my glory or benefit, but all for the Glory of God!  In writing these blogs, I desire to always be transparent and real with you and myself.  I never want you to see these kids as a cause or anything less than what they are: beautiful children!  We are not trying to fix them, because they are not causes or projects.  They have value and worth because they are His creation, not based on their circumstances.   I want to help give them a safe place of refuge in the presence of a loving God and I want my actions, words, and thoughts to be continually pointing them to the Lord. 

At the end of a rough and eye opening week, the Lord gave me these words in a devotional, taken from the Story of Elijah (I encourage you to read this entire passage). 

1 Kings 17:12 “I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug”

vs. 14 “For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel Says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day of the Lord gives rain on the land’”  This passage spoke to my heart that it is in our times of greatest need that God provides the greatest supply.  I realize that it is in my weakness, that He is strength.

Thanks for reading, I know this is a long posting, but I am happy to share my life with you!

Please be praying for…

-       Discernment, tenderness, and wisdom in our words, actions, and thoughts

-       Our BEACH team:  Becca, Tanner, Jiin (my 2nd-3rd grade teaching partner), Nichole, Sarah, Jessica, and myself

-       Energy, as we have many field trips this week, including a trip to the zoo with 60-80 kids :)

-       Our BEACH kids – safety, love, stability, nutrition and health from us, their home, and most importantly Christ