City On Our Knees

I just completed the last week with my kids at Day Camp.  I love my kids and it was such a challenging week for all of us interns.  At the beginning of the summer they told us everything would fly by, but until we got to week 8 we didn’t believe them.  Once it came, we all wanted to take a step back in time and get another chance to savor all the moments.  This last week was so very difficult. 

Monday and Tuesday the kids were a bit on the CRAZY side…ok, more than a bit!  They were very disrespectful and it was so frustrating to see all of the hard work and growth from the summer with our kids just vanish in the last week.  We know that the reason they were acting up was a reaction to their knowing we were leaving.  It was easier for them to push us away than for us to leave and for them to get hurt.  Sad, but true.  However, in these times of frustration and heartbreak we were able to show our children how much we truly loved them, and see how deeply they loved us.  All the more, we were able to show them that God would never leave them and always loves them.  We saw this in lots of amazing ways.

Wednesday my parents came to visit on their way back from a vacation out in Colorado Springs.  I had told my kids on Monday that my parents were going to come visit and you should have seen their excitement! They asked all day Monday and Tuesday when EXACTLY would my parents arrive. ha When Wednesday finally came and my parents showed up, my kids were so excited to meet them!  The best story came from one of our 7-year-old’s who is usually very shy.  When he met my parents, he gave them a HUGE hug.  Because he knew and trusted me, he therefore trusted my parents.  Wonderful victory!

Thursday we had a group come in called the Peace Learning Center.  They were part of our grant requirement for Health & Nutrition.  You would think that someone who teaches about peace would have a better control over our kids.  However, it was QUITE the contrary!  Like I said before, our kids were out of control most of the week with us and they were very disrespectful with the people who came!  Sadly, the Peace Learning Center people actually thought that our kids would quiet down by making the “peace sign”.  All our kids did when they saw this sign was scream “DUCES!!!”  Disrespectful – yes.  Funny – YES!!! What broke my heart was one of my boys getting really upset telling my co-worker, “Why do they have to take away our time here with you?!?  They shouldn’t be here.  We just want to spend our last days with YOU (meaning us interns/teachers).”

Friday was our last day with the kids.  We went to the park in the morning with the kids from BEACH and Brookside.  I took pictures with each of my kids to be sure to cherish our last moments altogether.  It was hard leaving the parking, knowing that we would probably never see the kids from Brookside again.  We hugged each of them tightly and saw that even though we were not their teachers directly, we had an impact on their lives and they on ours.  Friday afternoon we had an ice cream party with our kids – yes, we gave them sugar…bad idea.  Hah  We also had an award ceremony for our kids.  Each of our kids received an award special to them.  Some of the awards my children received were leadership, character, respectfulness, responsibility, passion, kindness, bravery, and friendliness.  We called each of them up one by one and affirmed them personally.  I saw the pride that each of them took in receiving their award.  It is so vitally important for each of our kids to understand how and why we are proud of them! 

Sunday was our end performance.  All of the BEACH kids showed up and led worship for the church there on Sunday morning.  They sang and did motions with the worship songs we had been practicing all summer.  It was beautiful!  It was the first time all of our children were standing up there and actually doing the motions.  Watching them sing the song City On Our Knees by TobyMac brought all of us to tears.  I felt so proud of every one of my kids!  They also did the songs Your Love Never Fails, Our God, and Revelation Song.  After the service, we had a carnival for the kids and their families.  I got to meet the families of all my kids.  The best part was showing their families how much we loved their children and them also seeing how much their kids loved us in return! 

One of my boys ran into my arms on Sunday and said, “I love you Miss Katie.  I’m gonna miss you.”  I told him that I was staying around and that all he had to do was sign up for afterschool and we could spend all year together.  His response warmed my heart, “OH! Where do I sign up?!? I’ll walk here if I have to!”  It was so encouraging to see his growth this summer and be affirmed that our presence with him had made an impact! 

At the end of Sunday, when we had to sadly say goodbye, we gave all of our kids a brand new backpack with everything they would need to start off the school year.  We waved goodbye, knowing that although for my fellow interns they may never meet some of those children ever again, but that they are in the Lord’s hands.  It is humbling and encouraging knowing that the Lord is in control.  He was there before we arrived and He has them afterwards. 

This summer has had its ups and downs.  It has been challenging, frustrating, and so amazing!  God has been so faithful and blessed all of us.  God has done amazing things in this city, and I know God will continue to work in the lives of all the people of Indianapolis. 

Thank you for all your prayers this summer.  I am excited to start this year still working with Shepherd and these same kids from this summer.  I will be working this school year during the day in Development at Shepherd Community Center doing marketing.  Then I will go pick up the kids who are participating in After School from their school and take them to BEACH.  At BEACH we will feed the kids dinner, tutor them, and do awesome activities with them as well!    What God has started here this summer is just the beginning of what God is going to do in and through me.

For when I am weak, then I am strong

Week 7 has now come to completion, and it is hard to believe that I am in my final weeks with these children I have come to know so well and love so deeply!  We actually started talking today about which children we wanted to adopt, and at the end of the day I think each of us had 6 children “called” as ours!  Week 7 was a crazy one, but as I reflect on it, I also realize how great it was for so many reasons.  Bear with me now as I reflect and expand on my journey through week 7! 

The children had so much energy last week, and well, ours is dwindling quite fast, so it was a matchup that was doomed for child victory.  However, we had the upper hand with 16 volunteers from Grace Community helping us with the kids!  Praise the Lord for these amazing kids and adults that took a week out of their busy schedules to not only help us as teachers, but to also invest in the lives of our kids.  They were such a great help and it allowed us to take a little breather, have a bit more control, and most importantly for every kid to get A LOT of 1 on 1 time that is rare in these kids’ lives.  Because we had extra hands and feet, I was able to invest and get to know each of my kids much better as well, breaking my heart again and again for these amazing kids of Indianapolis!

(Since I cannot tell you the exact names of my children, I will be making up names for each of my kids as I continue this post and share direct stories from week 7.)

One of my boys has been struggling with his writing all summer.  As I have looked over his journal writings, I wonder if he has some sort of dyslexia.  His letters are barely legible, his words are mismatched, and it is just not at the level of a 10-year -old boy.  I decided that since we had a work group in, I would send him with one of the adults (who is a former teacher).  When they returned to the classroom, it was like night and day from the writings he had previously done.  The helper remarked that she did not help him with any spelling or writing, and that he had done it all on his own.  I was so proud of him and gave him a HUGE hug.  I was literally forcing back tears flooding my eyes.  This happened both Monday and Tuesday.  Tuesday’s writing prompt was to write one affirming sentence about each student in our class.  When my boy returned with his writing, it was not only beautiful in appearance and structure, but his final affirmation was about himself saying, “Taylor is a great writer.”  Not only had he improved and made me proud, he found pride in his own work and saw his own potential – a life lesson many inner-city kids struggle to learn.

One of the days I had my children write for their journal prompt a letter to God.  I told them they could ask any questions or tell God whatever they wanted.  Usually my children complain about writing but my kids took to it like a duck to water!  One boy wrote asking God lots of questions about what it was like to create everything and how he does it all.  One of my girls touched my heart to its core.  She wrote a letter to God telling him how amazing he was “God you are beautiful, smart, kind, and loving.”  She went on to ask God to help her mom stop smoking because she didn’t want her mom to die.  Later in the week we were able to have a one-on-one chat and she opened up to me about her fears with her mother’s smoking.  I was able to not only affirm her individually, but God gave me the opportunity to encourage her to tell her mom about her feelings – knowing that God gives you the strength to say and do the things that scare you!  Oh she is a beautiful girl!

I have a boy in my class who is a GREAT kid, but continually makes poor decisions.  As soon as you tell him he is doing a great job and try to affirm him, he does something to self-destruct and be the “bad kid”.  It has been a frustrating this summer to know how to love on him, discipline, and affirm him all at the same time.  I knew he needed a strong male role model in his life, but I obviously cannot supply that need.  In our group of volunteers, we had a 34-year-old adult leader (who happens to have 2 small boys).  He took my boy under his wing, and it made all the difference!  It was amazing to see what a strong male model, especially a Christian man, made in this 10-year-old’s life!  He opened up to the adult about wanting to be more than what he sees around him.  This boy only sees the future in front of him to be a drug dealer, in a gang, or be in prison.  He shared that he wants more – He wants to go to college.  He wants more.  Wow, it brings me to tears to simply write those words.  His desire for more goes beyond wanting a future education, he is seeking and searching about who God is and what this whole “Christian” thing means.  I was able to share Jesus with him.  The entire time I sat talking with him, he had his arms wrapped around me and just hugged me.  All he is looking for is the love that won’t let go.  I cannot be that for him forever, but for now, I will show him that there is one that will be that for him.

As part of our summer program, we have to evaluate each of our kids on a spiritual scale.  At the beginning of the summer, we guessed where each of our kids fell because we didn’t know them personally.  Now that we are at the end and re-evaluating, I had the special privilege of pulling each of my kids out to talk one-on-one about where they fell.  I asked questions like “what does it mean to have a personal relationship with Jesus?”, “do you have one?”, and “What do you do in this relationship – what does that mean?”.  This was a time to share Jesus with my kids, affirm them, and let them know that I am always there for them and praying for them.  During these interactions, my kids really opened up.  One girl shared about her family struggles and her fear that her parents might get a divorce.  Another 8-year-old boy opened up to another intern about his struggle with missing his father who is in prison.  Each of my kids showed their heart to me in small ways during week 7, and I am blessed beyond words to be there for them!  I have seen such growth in my children from the beginning of the summer til now.  I know that what happens in their lives goes beyond my time here.  It goes beyond what I am doing and it is all about what God is doing. 

Please be praying for rest, strength, patience, and open hearts to love on our kids. 

I want to show you what real love looks like

I have not written in a couple weeks – life has been a bit hectic.  I will try to summarize my past two weeks fairly quickly, otherwise this could be a VERY long post!  I have completed weeks 5 & 6 since last posting.

Things are continuing to go – crazy at times, and then extremely encouraging and growing at other times.  I love my kids and am amazed every day at what God is teaching me.  Week 5 all of the kids from all of the elementary sites were able to participate in Spring Hill Camp.  They did not stay overnight, but every day we went to a local church and had camp with the kids.  This was a blessing, as us interns were not in charge and were able to have fun and encourage our kids more than usual.  At Spring Hill Camp, they sing silly camp songs, learn Bible Lessons and get to do fun game stations.  These game stations included the EuroBungy, Rock Climbing, Spider Mountain, Zip Lining, GagaBall (which is my new favorite game), bow & arrow shooting, Paint Marking (we do not call them paint ball GUNS, because that brings a VERY different connotation to these children, and we do not want that), Flying Squirrel (where we hoist the children up in a harness & they feel like they are flying), and of course WATER GAMES (which they got to do every day)!  They were also able to tie-dye shirts (I was also able to tie-dye my very own shirt for the first time).  The camp was so much fun and the kids seemed to have such a great time!  For many kids, if it weren’t for the Shepherd Day Camp (Summer Excel) Program, they wouldn’t be able to afford to go to camp.  It was a wonderful week where the kids were free to be just that – KIDS. 

The theme of Spring Hill Week was Super Heros – so on Thursday all of the counselors dressed up as Super Heros.  Some were silly things – like Super Awesome Girl, Disco Diva, Sunshine Girl, and Mighty Mustache Man.  I dressed up as “Inner Beauty Queen” (thanks Jeremy Height for the name).  I made it my mission that day to tell every girl how beautiful she was and make her feel valuable and loved!  At first, my kids didn’t get it at all!  I was called names like “you’re weird” “You’re funny looking”, to which I responded “thank goodness I am INNER Beauty!” haha  But it was fun to dress up and be silly with the kids and set an example for the girls especially. 

The last day of camp, the Spring Hill Counselors offered the opportunity for the kids to ask Jesus into their hearts.  Several of the children from my group prayed and asked Jesus into their heart and it was a moving experience.   All of the Spring Hill counselors were sad to say goodbye, but all of us were ready to be back into a normal routine with the kids again!  I know that week 5 was probably something that will have a lasting impact on the kids’ lives. 

Over the weekend we did some great Intern bonding activities.  Friday night all the girls dressed up and went out to dinner!  It was a LOT of fun, but very hot!  We had dinner at Buca Di Beppo’s and then walked around downtown.  The guys had a guy night with competition to win a trophy.  Saturday a group of us went to Broad Ripple Street side of Indy and walked around at all the little shops they had.  We even found this store that had all old school 80’s and early 90’s clothes, and we laughed hysterically at the crazy things people used to wear! Saturday night we all went to the $2.25 movie theatres and I got to see RIO (great animated movie, highly recommend seeing it!)  Sunday was probably my favorite experience of the entire summer.  We all drove after church up to Lake Morse and spent the day on the Lake, going tubing and Jet Skiing.  This was my first experience doing this, but it was so much fun.  Although, my body has been so sore all week and hugging my children brought more pain and joy, it was totally worth it!  It was a relaxing time to simply be outside, no worries, and having fun with this amazing community!

Week 6 was probably one of the craziest yet! Haha  Trying to regain structure after not having any structure the entire week before.    And being exhausted from being on the lake all day started the week off a little rough.  However, I learned from my children every day and was thankful for a great team of fellow interns at BEACH to keep me encouraged to not give up!   We continually have to teach and discipline the children in respect, and at the same time show them we will not give up or leave them.  It is rewarding to see them open up.  It is fantastic to have them run into the room and give me a huge hug. 

Tuesday we took the kids to see a dairy farm, and it was a completely different for these kids to experience than the city life.  Our kids asked some very interesting questions and I think were quite perplexed by the entire process.  They did NOT like the smells and were impatient, but it was definitely good for them to experience a new way of life that exists beyond their world. 

Wednesday, our Septic system backed up, and since we did not have functioning bathrooms, we had to move our children over to another Elementary site, Brookeside, for the rest of the week.  Brookeside has HUGE classrooms, but no air conditioning, so it was UNIQUE experience for our kids!  We made it through and loved being at Brookeside, but I doubt we will be invited back the rest of the summer after some crazy happenings…including one of our children pulling their fire alarm Friday…yep, perfect ending to a very CRAZY week!

What has God been teaching me…

God has been teaching me so many things.  I have been continually learning what real love looks like.  Last January God spoke into my life that he wanted to show me what real love looked like – His love.  Little did I know that I would be here at Shepherd Community working with Inner City kids, experiencing His love in every way everyday.  I am learning that real love extends grace before anger.  Real love disciplines and corrects.  Real love does not give up or walk away when things get tough.  Real love must first have love in order to give it.  That is a HUGE lesson I have learned – I myself must first accept God’s love and forgiveness before I can ever share it with others.  I must daily surrender and be filled by His love before I can give any away.  When I try to give it myself, I come up short – in my words, my thoughts, my actions…everything.  I have seen growth in my own heart and life- seeing myself become more tender and patient.  Although I am a LONG way away from what God desires of me, I know that I am learning and growing in ways that will impact His ministry for my life.  I am sad there are only 2 weeks left here, I know that this summer program is far from complete!  God is still planning to move in GREAT ways & please be praying for us to keep pushing, to not become complacent, but to keep working and loving without boundaries!

Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who Was and Is and Is to Come

God has blessed me with a wonderful Week 4.  I feel as if I am beginning to actually see and experience some growth in working with my kids.  I sense they are beginning to understand that I am not going anywhere and I love them.   I am learning so much from working with these kids in patience, compassion, grace, and unconditional love.  I am being stretched and challenged more every day.    I want to share with you in the conclusion of Week 4, some funny, interesting, and great stories about my days with my kids.

Let me begin with a somewhat funny story.  Remember the TV that almost crushed one of my kids?  Well, when I walked into my classroom on Monday morning, there sat not 1, but 2 TV’s.  My immediate reaction was “Ok, God, Reallll Funny”.  Haha  I say that in a very sarcastic tone, but for the rest of the week, whenever the kid would go near one of the TV’s, I would ask “did we not learn our lesson the first time?!?” haha God has a sense of Humor!

Another interesting story comes from Week 3 that I forgot to share in my last post.  While reading the book “I Love My Pirate Papa” to my children, the ending made the statement from the Pirate Father to his little boy that with all the plundering and treasures he had, the one he treasured most of all was his son.  I talked with the kids a little about it, and told them that God loved them in this way – that He created everything and yet valued and loved them more than anything!  Simple, sweet, and affirming right?  Well, one by one my kids started asking questions about this statement and about who God is – mind you, they are between the ages of 8-10.  Well, we spent about the next 30 minutes talking about things, which included me explaining the trinity to them (not an easy task) and also explaining how Jesus came to be without using the words virgin, immaculate conception, or talking about anything that should not be talked about to these 8-10 year olds!  Haha  Thank the Lord for the wisdom, the words, and previous adult conversations that helped me know how to simply explain these things to my kids.  I am so thankful they asked and I was able to answer.  I pray they will continue to ask & God will give me the right words!

This week we had some different things in our schedules.  The first was a Fire Safety Training called Survive Alive that all of our kids took part in on Monday.  I was blessed to be driving a minibus full of kids for the first time.  I am thankful to announce it went well…and by well, I mean everyone made it to and from the locations safely! :)  The kids were also fitted for brand new Nike tennis shoes, shorts, and a t-shirt for the school year on Week 2 of Camp.  On Friday of this week, they were all given the shoes & shorts, which are free for every student.  Every child in our program will now have a brand new pair of quality, and fitting shoes for the school year!  What a blessing!  Some of the kids at our site were also able to get free dental health check-ups and cleaning this week, actually at our location.  A dentist and a few hygienists came to BEACH, set up, sanitized, and did everything in one of our conference rooms.  It is another blessing to see that our kids are being taken care of in all areas of need!  I am so blessed to be working with an amazing organization like Shepherd!

Wednesday’s are our split days.  By that I mean that the girls and boys are divided for nearly the entire day – getting to go to Jireh Sports, and then either going swimming or staying back at BEACH for learning & fun.  This week, the boys had swimming, so I was able to stay back with the girls for these 2 ½ hours!  They were so good – and not that I do not love my boys and spending time with them – it is just refreshing to sometimes have a calm chance with the girls.  They are very well behaved (with a little sassy/drama mixed in..) and it is hard to get those opportunities to affirm them the way they need to be affirmed when the boys are around.  So, I loved getting to spend the day with 11 beautiful girls at BEACH.  I actually had 2 main responsibilities with them.  The first was cooking – I taught them how to make Rice Krispie Treats (and they loved getting to help)!  The second was “Girl Time”.  This was really open to whatever I wanted to do with them, and since God has given me a passion for young girls & struggles they face, I wanted it to be a time of relaxation, openness, and affirmation, without the pressure.  Soooo…We painted nails.  :)  I also told all the girls that they could ask any of us girls any questions they wanted to or even ask us about our life and experiences, that we would be honest, open, and non-judgmental with them.  We didn’t get much on the question end, but, the girls really seemed to enjoy this time of bonding, and it opens the doors for future conversations and relationship.  My prayer is that I can be a positive role model for these young girls and they will feel comfortable enough with me to open up and ask questions about anything as it may come. 

As I mentioned earlier, I felt as if this week, the kids really started opening up to me and I began really understanding them much better.  I felt as if we began the bonding process! Haha  I saw this in many ways this week.  First, I did a Bible Lesson one day where I sat in the middle of the floor, looked at the kids, and motioned for them to come in as close as they could.  What I got was consumed by approximately 15 children hugging me all at once.  They were laughing, and so was I!  It was a wonderful time, and I think it was even more beneficial for them to sit to close through the lesson, because they seemed to really understand and relate to the Bible Lesson I shared (It was about Moses being afraid to go back to Egypt and God telling Moses He would provide for all of his needs).  I loved having them so near, and also adored being able to be kind of silly and serious at the same time.  Secondly, I had one of my students on Friday ask during silent reading time if she could instead of reading silently, read the book to me.  Of course, I said YES!!!  She is a very good reader, and it was great to spend some time sitting next to her, enjoying a book with her!  These are such little things I took for granted growing up, but mean the world to my children!  We also had an improv fashion show put on by some of our kids on Friday during free time.  It was so fun to show them our silly side. The crazy part was, it was both girls AND BOYS that were playing this fashion show, and directing us on what poses to do for the imaginary camera.  Mind you, it was our 5^th and 6^th grade students who conspired this entire Fashion Show! (and, of course, Miss Nichole and myself were definitely the winners of the show… ;-) )  One more significant experience from the week would have to be an interaction I had with one of the older boys on Friday.  He was having a rough start to his day, so I simply sat down next to him for our worship and Bible time.  I put my arm around him, and he held my hand and also many times placed it on top of his head– not in a creepy way, but in a way that he just simply needed that positive affirmation and touch.  I hadn’t really had much in interactions with this boy up until now, but for the rest of the day, I was his best friend!  He is a very smart kid, but can struggle to fit in socially with the other kids.  There’s more things going on in his life right now than what I can mention here, but please be praying for him.

All in All, It was a great week!  When I wasn’t having fun with my kids, I was hanging out with my awesome community of fellow Interns – playing Ultimate Frisbee, Signs, or going out to eat. My roommate Becca and I also killed our 3rd bee in less than 2 weeks in our apartment, and it was quite the adventure - neither of us having been stung before and terrified to find out if we were in fact allergic if the bee did sting us. (ya, we're such girls...) I was also able to get some good alone, quiet time with the Lord this week that I believe made all the difference!  I went on Tuesday night to Garfield Park Conservatory for some quiet time and discipleship meeting, and it is probably one of the most beautiful places I have been.  It is filled with exotic flowers and plants, waterfalls, fountains, benches, and this sense of peace and beauty!  For those of you that know my love for nature, you realize that this is my idea of quiet time with the Lord! 

This next week will be a camp for all of the kids in all our elementary programs called Spring Hill!  It will be nice to have a little time off of the normal routine with the kids now that we are halfway through the summer… :/  But I am most excited about being able to get to be more affirming, encouraging, and silly with my kids, and getting to know them better. 

Until Next week, Thanks for reading :)  God is so good!

A Close Encounter with Jesus

What a week!  It was for sure a crazy one with many blessings and stressful moments as well.   God has been teaching me so many things since my “breakdown” last week.  (If you do not know the breakdown I am talking about, just look at the previous post…it was a rough week).  This past week, Week 3, was better, but like all things, came with challenges. 

I began the week with a more steadfast love and focus on God’s purpose of me being here. I decided I would not let the lies of my own insecurities rule my life.  Yes, my kids can be very frustrating but they are kids.  No matter where they come from, they are kids.  I decided I was going to show more grace and be more patient with them.  And when I surrendered all of this to the Lord, I felt that I could sense a difference in the way I looked and talked to my kids every day.  It was not me, of course so it would be wrong for me to try to take credit for it, but it was absolutely the Lord’s work in me.  Personally, this week I learned that in order for me to show the grace of God to others, I must really understand and accept it for myself.  I have been so broken over the past several months that I have felt as if I was not worthy enough to be loved by our awesome creator.  I know that may sound strange, especially to those of you who know me fairly well – But God has been working to show me that I am to be used by him, regardless of my own perspectives.  The quote that resonates in my heart is

            “The beauty of a sunset is GREATER through the impurities and pollution in the air it reflects off of.  In order to make something beautiful God doesn’t need something perfect, pure or clean.  From the wasted, broken, and worthless God creates beauty.  If God cares enough to do this in creation, the He cares enough to do this to me!” 

            I needed a reminder of this for myself this week, even more than my kids.  I need to know that God loves me in spite of my frailties and faults.  I need to know that I do not have to be perfect in order to be loved or to be “good enough”.  I am being very vulnerable right now, but I feel that that is the only way I can really move past and let go of my fears and insecurities – to fully confront them and bring them into God’s light of Truth.  I am also thankful for strong friends that God has given me here at Shepherd and across the country who support, encourage, and challenge me every day to be the woman God desires me to be! 

ANYWAY….On to my past week working with the kids…(sorry for that detour, but I am sure you are all interested on my heart & life as well as my ministry and kids).  As I had previously told you, one of my students was suspended week 2 for fighting.  On Monday of this week, two other boys in my class were suspended for fighting as well.  Of the 3 suspensions we have had at the BEACH location, all have been from my class…on the positive side, none of them have been while they were with me, so I hope that says something positive about me? Ha  So, Tuesday and Wednesday were a lot more relaxing days with 3 of my more challenging boys out on suspension.  Tuesday the kids were great and we had a lot of fun together.  Wednesday’s are usually more complicated days because we take the children to Jireh Sports and this week we took the girls to the pool.  Things got switched up a little, and I was able to spend Wednesday with all of the girls from our site and another elementary location: Brookside.  I love my boys and their craziness, but to be honest it was a HUGE blessing to have a day with just the girls.  Since my personal passion and heart is for the struggles of young girls, I was able to really affirm and invest in their lives for the day.  Yes, the water was QUITE cold, but we braved it, and had a great time!  From what I heard, the boys were a bit on the WILD side back at BEACH, so I was glad to have a bit of a break :) 

            Thursday, all of the kids started getting a little crazy.  This is oddly enough a little common – Thursday’s are very full days academically and the kids are getting restless from the week, and a bit too comfortable (in the sense that they start being very disrespectful and not listening to directions).  This is not true of all our students, but when just a few act out in this way, it’s like a disease…making things get out of control.  Friday was…well, Friday.  I had gotten little rest through the week, along with just being completely drained emotionally, and spiritually, Friday was desperately needed.  However, after time at the park (with a football game that got a bit out of control) and some children who did not get to go to afternoon fun activities due to disciplinary issues, the kids were literally out of control.  With only 15 minutes left, I shut the door to our classroom, and put on my motherly, ANGRY face, sat them down on the floor, telling them that we have had enough of their disrespect, and it needed to change.  I told them how disappointed I was in their behavior.  I gave them personal examples if they were to be in our shoes.  For example, I asked one of my kids “So, what if you had something really important to tell me and were trying to tell me, and all I did was go ‘NAH NAH NAH’ How would you feel?”  Their reactions were they would be angry, they would hate us, and they would want to punch us.  I expressed to them that this is how they were treating us, but that we did not react in this way – that we loved them very much and we were not going to walk out on them.  I wanted to affirm them and our love for them, but also relay to them that their complete disrespect for each other and us is not ok.  I hated having to put on my “angry” face, but it was the only thing I hadn’t tried yet. 

            After this long “lecture” most of my children left.  I had 1 boy and 1 girl left in my classroom.  I turned my back for a second, and my boy started hanging on a large 32” TV on a shelf in the classroom.  I turned, SCREAMED his name as the TV started falling, and PRAISE THE LORD, a male volunteer walked in the door and caught the TV in time.  I immediately was over-taken by emotion, walked out of our classroom into the kitchen, and simply broke down crying.  I was just so overcome with emotion and the stress of everything.  In the mean time, my child went upstairs to the director saying “Miss Jessica, I almost met Jesus!!!”  I am glad he was so optimistic…and she had no clue what he was talking about, but after it all happened, I was able to laugh about it.  I felt like a mom in the fear I experienced.  If the TV had fallen on him, He would have been killed – he is a very small child and the glass & weight of the TV would have crushed him.  Praise the Lord it didn’t. 

            Ok, I know this has been a long post, and I really have had a great week with the kids – and I love them very much.  They are a challenge, but they are each unique and wonderful.  I wish I could give them so much more and that they would really let me into their lives and hearts, but again, I know I am living by faith & not by sight that the words and work I am investing in these children is not in vein, and it will make an impact.  It will help them to see all the potential they have, and let them see the hope that is in Christ Jesus!  I pray that I can be stability and love for them.  I know that in all of the challenges, God is faithful and has been breaking and teaching me so much!  I am being confronted on a daily basis with letting go of myself – pressing on towards the hope that is in Christ!

Please be praying for my team & kids this next week.  We love them very much!   Pray for rest and patience with ourselves and our children.  I will also be traveling this next weekend for a wedding and to be home with my family for the 4^th of July.

Insecurity is just a cover up for unbelief

We just completed Week 2 of Day Camp.  The week was called “Kids Games” because we had a group from Connection Pointe Church in Brownsburg, IN that came to help lead worship, play games with the kids, and help us out with all of our kids.  We combined with another elementary site (Brookside) for Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Our kids from BEACH longed to be back at our normal location and normal routine, and I understood how difficult it was to be in a new place and doing such different things every day.  I can sense how much my kids long for routine and stability.

Tuesday we took the kids to the Indianapolis Zoo.  It was a lot of fun and the 4 children I had in my group were not from my grade level I teach at all.  They were all wonderful and it was great to get to invest in and spend some time with the kids I am not normally with.  It was a long and exhausting day, but lots of fun. They really loved getting to see the cheetahs, elephants, and petting the sharks!  (yes, I got to pet a shark!).  By the end of the day, they were all falling asleep on the bus :) I wish I could post some pictures for you to see, but we are not allowed to post any pictures of the children.  However, know that I had lots of fun and they are GREAT kids! 

One of my kids told me that he wants to be a football player and a doctor so he can help his family and take care of those hurting.  What a touching aspiration from a 10 year old!  I pray that God leads Him towards that purpose, no matter his path.

Friday We had a group come to Shepherd called Impact Band.  They are college students that travel around the nation, sharing the gospel in a unique and simple way with kids – especially in inner cities.  The music they did was perfect for the kids and their tastes.  We had several of our kids either give their heart to Christ or say they were interested in knowing more.  What a joy to have the seed planted!

Sadly, one of my boys got in a fight this week and it was difficult to see the consequences for that.  I have worked to give more follow-through in my consequences (such as sitting out for 5 minutes), but at the same time I want to offer them grace.  I am caught in a place of unknown.  Between chasing children around,  finding a “surprise” in the boys bathroom, and fights, I would say it was a FULL week.

This week was a rough one.  To be honest with everyone and myself, I spent most of my down time feeling like I am failing these kids.  How could I change and make myself better for these kids.  Things got a bit out of control at times and it was very rough.  I know I can do better.  I know that I can show more love.  I feel like I have failed them.  I feel like I am not tender.  I feel so afraid of losing control and respect that I have to stay tough and disciplined 100% of the time.  I wrestle with what this looks like and feel so discouraged and broken when I lose my tenderness and care.  Some of you who have worked in these environments with kids may know what I am talking about, or you may think I am a complete failure – I do feel like one. 

There were great stories from this week and funny things to share, but where my heart is now, I do not think it would be right for me to share those.  My kids are funny and good kids.  They deserve so much more than what they have and the opportunities that are in front of them.  They deserve so much love and tenderness, and I feel like I am failing at really giving that to them.  I am so wrapped up in keeping order I forget why I am here and my love for life. 

Our supervisor told us to fail once each week – but what if I just feel like I failed everything for the week?  What if I feel like I am completely inadequate?  I told each of you I would be transparent and honest about my feelings and where I am at. 

This next week is a new one.  My goals are to be more tender, compassionate, and gracious.  I want to affirm every single one of the kids at least once a day.  I want to pray more throughout the day.  I need to be more patient and humble.  I need to let go of control and let God do what He wills.  I need to believe stronger in God’s purpose and plans, and not let my insecurities take root in my heart – making me be something I am not. 

“I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug”

For those of you who may or may not know, I am spending my next year working in inner city Indianapolis with an organization called Shepherd Community Center.  Shepherd has been working in Indianapolis, on East Washington for many MANY years now, and this is my first time ever being here.  Shepherd is committed to working with and equipping families in second and third generation poverty, for the better.  They offer programs for every kind of situation: day camps during the summer, health clinics, paralegal advice, mothering classes, sports, food pantry, and many other services.  The hearts of the people at Shepherd Community Center are so open and compassionate.

My year will work in 2 parts.  For the summer, I am working as an Intern teaching grades 2^nd and 3^rd at a Day Camp that runs for 8 weeks.  After that has completed, I will work at Shepherd for the day and in the afternoons I will help run an after school program with the same kids I am working with this summer.   As part of our Day Camp and the many grants we have for this Shepherd Summer Project, each week we work on Reading, Writing, Math, and Science, as well as teaching the kids Bible, doing crafts, playing games, and taking trips, such as to the pool, the zoo, the park, or the Children’s Museum throughout the summer.  We also feed them 2 meals and a snack every day, since 80% of the kids in Indianapolis only get 2 meals a day if they are in school. 

My first week here was spent in training, preparing for, and understanding our kids better.  My devotionals for the first week were all about “We live by Faith & not be sight” from 2 Corinthians 5:7.  I know this will be the theme of my summer and also my calling to be here at Shepherd.  I got certified for CPR, First Aid, and driving a mini bus!   It was interesting and eye opening to learn how to manage our classrooms.  I did not anticipate the challenge of disciplining in love.  I mean, I suppose I did know that it is a challenge to do it, I guess I did not have a full awareness of what that would look like! Hah ( I am sure that all of you who are currently parents are laughing at this statement of mine…) The community of other interns that are here this summer has been a HUGE blessing to me.  Although we have only known each other a few days, I have gotten to know and joke around with a great group of people!  There are 32 of us Interns this summer, from colleges all across the United States, although, it is ironic that 10 of us Interns are from Olivet.  All the interns have so much fun together, including nightly games of SIGNS, small group Bible Studies, an Indians baseball game, and Duckpin Bowling. 

In other areas, my first week was spent in an apartment where the Air Conditioning went out, with back-to-back 90-degree days.  Although it was very ROUGH and hot, we all learned how to be very thankful for air conditioning, and it humbled us to those who have no air conditioning at all.  Thankfully, a week later we had a brand new air conditioning unit put in our apartment. 

For my second week here and my first week working with the kids at Day Camp. I was placed at a location called The BEACH, which stands for Brookeside East Alliance Community Hub, which is a church functioning as a school for the summer.  Although it is small and the sanctuary is our gymnasium, it is our home!    We will have a total of 34 kids at our site, making it the smallest of the other 3 elementary sites that Shepherd runs, but what we lack in number we make up for in “Character”. Haha We have great kids, and I love them all to death.  I just want to take some of these kids home with me & love on them!  Our kids come from some really rough backgrounds and some heart-wrenching homes – with drug dealers, different men leaving their homes every night, and only a few of our students actually have a father present.  It rips out my heart to see them so broken, so guarded, and craving attention in any way they can get it.  I would be lying to you to say that all of our kids are perfect angels all the time – let’s face it, they’re kids.  We have a handful of kids that keep us busy and on our toes all the time.  Every time I have to discipline a child one on one the first thing I say is, “What is at the bottom of our class rules sign, read it to me – “WE LOVE YOU”.  And then I affirm to them again, that I love them, they are a good kid they have just made a bad choice (or choices).  This first week was a challenge of culture shock, discipline, and flexibility.  Although, it wasn’t all just challenges, there were many more rewards and touching moments. 

My favorite parts of the week and each day would be when a child would walk up beside me, and simply hold my hand.  This happened at least 5 times this past week, and every time it touched my heart.  I also loved that any time we took the bus or van somewhere with the kids, I would have kids begging me to sit by them.  It amazed me that all each of the kids wanted was for us to spend time with them.  What I was accustomed to growing up was sitting by the teacher or grown up was NOT cool and what I see in each of these kids is the complete opposite.  I love getting to sit with the kids and just ask them about life and get to know them deeper.  Another thing this week that touched my heart came in the form of Bike Safety.  We did this the first day, where the kids not only learned about safety rules, but also were fitted and given a brand new helmet with pads and a reflector.  What a blessing to these kids!    On Wednesday, we took our kids to a place called Jireh Sports that focuses on individualized sports such as gymnastics, rock climbing, wrestling, and others to encourage self-esteem and personal achievement with inner-city kids.  Our BEACH kids loved it and I saw how important it was for them to have individualized attention.  Later that day we took the kids to the pool and it was wonderful to get to have fun being a kid with them.  I was also told by one of my girls that I had “Nappy Hair” and it made me laugh! 

Every day offers a combination of challenges and rewards, and you are completely drained: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  At the end of a rough day, there are many things that happen. First, we crank up the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and it puts us all back in a good mood with a smile on our faces!  Secondly, after processing all the things of the day, I realize more than the day before I want and need to go back to those kids the next day.  I understand God’s love for these children at The BEACH and how much I love them.  How much I need them as much as they need me. No matter what they say or do, I am never going to leave them, and I will never walk away.  I will not give up on these kids, even if the world they live in is stacked against them, trying to take away what little they have.  I want to offer them hope. 

Although there are times when I just want to break down and cry, I know that God is moving and working.  I am living by faith every day, even if I do not see results immediately, I know the promises I have been given that none of this is for my glory or benefit, but all for the Glory of God!  In writing these blogs, I desire to always be transparent and real with you and myself.  I never want you to see these kids as a cause or anything less than what they are: beautiful children!  We are not trying to fix them, because they are not causes or projects.  They have value and worth because they are His creation, not based on their circumstances.   I want to help give them a safe place of refuge in the presence of a loving God and I want my actions, words, and thoughts to be continually pointing them to the Lord. 

At the end of a rough and eye opening week, the Lord gave me these words in a devotional, taken from the Story of Elijah (I encourage you to read this entire passage). 

1 Kings 17:12 “I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug”

vs. 14 “For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel Says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day of the Lord gives rain on the land’”  This passage spoke to my heart that it is in our times of greatest need that God provides the greatest supply.  I realize that it is in my weakness, that He is strength.

Thanks for reading, I know this is a long posting, but I am happy to share my life with you!

Please be praying for…

-       Discernment, tenderness, and wisdom in our words, actions, and thoughts

-       Our BEACH team:  Becca, Tanner, Jiin (my 2nd-3rd grade teaching partner), Nichole, Sarah, Jessica, and myself

-       Energy, as we have many field trips this week, including a trip to the zoo with 60-80 kids :)

-       Our BEACH kids – safety, love, stability, nutrition and health from us, their home, and most importantly Christ