What a week! It was for sure a crazy one with many blessings and stressful moments as well. God has been teaching me so many things since my “breakdown” last week. (If you do not know the breakdown I am talking about, just look at the previous post…it was a rough week). This past week, Week 3, was better, but like all things, came with challenges.
I began the week with a more steadfast love and focus on God’s purpose of me being here. I decided I would not let the lies of my own insecurities rule my life. Yes, my kids can be very frustrating but they are kids. No matter where they come from, they are kids. I decided I was going to show more grace and be more patient with them. And when I surrendered all of this to the Lord, I felt that I could sense a difference in the way I looked and talked to my kids every day. It was not me, of course so it would be wrong for me to try to take credit for it, but it was absolutely the Lord’s work in me. Personally, this week I learned that in order for me to show the grace of God to others, I must really understand and accept it for myself. I have been so broken over the past several months that I have felt as if I was not worthy enough to be loved by our awesome creator. I know that may sound strange, especially to those of you who know me fairly well – But God has been working to show me that I am to be used by him, regardless of my own perspectives. The quote that resonates in my heart is
“The beauty of a sunset is GREATER through the impurities and pollution in the air it reflects off of. In order to make something beautiful God doesn’t need something perfect, pure or clean. From the wasted, broken, and worthless God creates beauty. If God cares enough to do this in creation, the He cares enough to do this to me!”
I needed a reminder of this for myself this week, even more than my kids. I need to know that God loves me in spite of my frailties and faults. I need to know that I do not have to be perfect in order to be loved or to be “good enough”. I am being very vulnerable right now, but I feel that that is the only way I can really move past and let go of my fears and insecurities – to fully confront them and bring them into God’s light of Truth. I am also thankful for strong friends that God has given me here at Shepherd and across the country who support, encourage, and challenge me every day to be the woman God desires me to be!
ANYWAY….On to my past week working with the kids…(sorry for that detour, but I am sure you are all interested on my heart & life as well as my ministry and kids). As I had previously told you, one of my students was suspended week 2 for fighting. On Monday of this week, two other boys in my class were suspended for fighting as well. Of the 3 suspensions we have had at the BEACH location, all have been from my class…on the positive side, none of them have been while they were with me, so I hope that says something positive about me? Ha So, Tuesday and Wednesday were a lot more relaxing days with 3 of my more challenging boys out on suspension. Tuesday the kids were great and we had a lot of fun together. Wednesday’s are usually more complicated days because we take the children to Jireh Sports and this week we took the girls to the pool. Things got switched up a little, and I was able to spend Wednesday with all of the girls from our site and another elementary location: Brookside. I love my boys and their craziness, but to be honest it was a HUGE blessing to have a day with just the girls. Since my personal passion and heart is for the struggles of young girls, I was able to really affirm and invest in their lives for the day. Yes, the water was QUITE cold, but we braved it, and had a great time! From what I heard, the boys were a bit on the WILD side back at BEACH, so I was glad to have a bit of a break :)
Thursday, all of the kids started getting a little crazy. This is oddly enough a little common – Thursday’s are very full days academically and the kids are getting restless from the week, and a bit too comfortable (in the sense that they start being very disrespectful and not listening to directions). This is not true of all our students, but when just a few act out in this way, it’s like a disease…making things get out of control. Friday was…well, Friday. I had gotten little rest through the week, along with just being completely drained emotionally, and spiritually, Friday was desperately needed. However, after time at the park (with a football game that got a bit out of control) and some children who did not get to go to afternoon fun activities due to disciplinary issues, the kids were literally out of control. With only 15 minutes left, I shut the door to our classroom, and put on my motherly, ANGRY face, sat them down on the floor, telling them that we have had enough of their disrespect, and it needed to change. I told them how disappointed I was in their behavior. I gave them personal examples if they were to be in our shoes. For example, I asked one of my kids “So, what if you had something really important to tell me and were trying to tell me, and all I did was go ‘NAH NAH NAH’ How would you feel?” Their reactions were they would be angry, they would hate us, and they would want to punch us. I expressed to them that this is how they were treating us, but that we did not react in this way – that we loved them very much and we were not going to walk out on them. I wanted to affirm them and our love for them, but also relay to them that their complete disrespect for each other and us is not ok. I hated having to put on my “angry” face, but it was the only thing I hadn’t tried yet.
After this long “lecture” most of my children left. I had 1 boy and 1 girl left in my classroom. I turned my back for a second, and my boy started hanging on a large 32” TV on a shelf in the classroom. I turned, SCREAMED his name as the TV started falling, and PRAISE THE LORD, a male volunteer walked in the door and caught the TV in time. I immediately was over-taken by emotion, walked out of our classroom into the kitchen, and simply broke down crying. I was just so overcome with emotion and the stress of everything. In the mean time, my child went upstairs to the director saying “Miss Jessica, I almost met Jesus!!!” I am glad he was so optimistic…and she had no clue what he was talking about, but after it all happened, I was able to laugh about it. I felt like a mom in the fear I experienced. If the TV had fallen on him, He would have been killed – he is a very small child and the glass & weight of the TV would have crushed him. Praise the Lord it didn’t.
Ok, I know this has been a long post, and I really have had a great week with the kids – and I love them very much. They are a challenge, but they are each unique and wonderful. I wish I could give them so much more and that they would really let me into their lives and hearts, but again, I know I am living by faith & not by sight that the words and work I am investing in these children is not in vein, and it will make an impact. It will help them to see all the potential they have, and let them see the hope that is in Christ Jesus! I pray that I can be stability and love for them. I know that in all of the challenges, God is faithful and has been breaking and teaching me so much! I am being confronted on a daily basis with letting go of myself – pressing on towards the hope that is in Christ!
Please be praying for my team & kids this next week. We love them very much! Pray for rest and patience with ourselves and our children. I will also be traveling this next weekend for a wedding and to be home with my family for the 4th of July.
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