We just completed Week 2 of Day Camp. The week was called “Kids Games” because we had a group from Connection Pointe Church in Brownsburg, IN that came to help lead worship, play games with the kids, and help us out with all of our kids. We combined with another elementary site (Brookside) for Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Our kids from BEACH longed to be back at our normal location and normal routine, and I understood how difficult it was to be in a new place and doing such different things every day. I can sense how much my kids long for routine and stability.
Tuesday we took the kids to the Indianapolis Zoo. It was a lot of fun and the 4 children I had in my group were not from my grade level I teach at all. They were all wonderful and it was great to get to invest in and spend some time with the kids I am not normally with. It was a long and exhausting day, but lots of fun. They really loved getting to see the cheetahs, elephants, and petting the sharks! (yes, I got to pet a shark!). By the end of the day, they were all falling asleep on the bus :) I wish I could post some pictures for you to see, but we are not allowed to post any pictures of the children. However, know that I had lots of fun and they are GREAT kids!
One of my kids told me that he wants to be a football player and a doctor so he can help his family and take care of those hurting. What a touching aspiration from a 10 year old! I pray that God leads Him towards that purpose, no matter his path.
Friday We had a group come to Shepherd called Impact Band. They are college students that travel around the nation, sharing the gospel in a unique and simple way with kids – especially in inner cities. The music they did was perfect for the kids and their tastes. We had several of our kids either give their heart to Christ or say they were interested in knowing more. What a joy to have the seed planted!
Sadly, one of my boys got in a fight this week and it was difficult to see the consequences for that. I have worked to give more follow-through in my consequences (such as sitting out for 5 minutes), but at the same time I want to offer them grace. I am caught in a place of unknown. Between chasing children around, finding a “surprise” in the boys bathroom, and fights, I would say it was a FULL week.
This week was a rough one. To be honest with everyone and myself, I spent most of my down time feeling like I am failing these kids. How could I change and make myself better for these kids. Things got a bit out of control at times and it was very rough. I know I can do better. I know that I can show more love. I feel like I have failed them. I feel like I am not tender. I feel so afraid of losing control and respect that I have to stay tough and disciplined 100% of the time. I wrestle with what this looks like and feel so discouraged and broken when I lose my tenderness and care. Some of you who have worked in these environments with kids may know what I am talking about, or you may think I am a complete failure – I do feel like one.
There were great stories from this week and funny things to share, but where my heart is now, I do not think it would be right for me to share those. My kids are funny and good kids. They deserve so much more than what they have and the opportunities that are in front of them. They deserve so much love and tenderness, and I feel like I am failing at really giving that to them. I am so wrapped up in keeping order I forget why I am here and my love for life.
Our supervisor told us to fail once each week – but what if I just feel like I failed everything for the week? What if I feel like I am completely inadequate? I told each of you I would be transparent and honest about my feelings and where I am at.
This next week is a new one. My goals are to be more tender, compassionate, and gracious. I want to affirm every single one of the kids at least once a day. I want to pray more throughout the day. I need to be more patient and humble. I need to let go of control and let God do what He wills. I need to believe stronger in God’s purpose and plans, and not let my insecurities take root in my heart – making me be something I am not.
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